The impacts of childhood trauma have long-lasting effects well into adulthood.

Underwater Daughter is about getting lost in the beauty of trauma, the longing for love… and the potential healing path out of suffering.   It details the bittersweetness of holding on to abusive dynamics in relationships and finding the grace to move beyond those patterns and eventually finding forgiveness in the hardest places.

For readers who loved Your Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk and I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou…author Antonia Deignan explores timeless themes and universal issues such as abuse, healing, and forgiveness.

Underwater Daughter: A Memoir of Surviving and Healing

By Antonia Deignan

Tuni Deignan spent most of her life using a whole host of coping mechanisms to avoid facing the trauma of her childhood: a sexually abusive father and a mother who seemed helpless to stop him. But when a bike accident rendered her immobile and independent on narcotics at age of fifty-five, she finally sat down to unwind and understand the circus of her life; a journey that led her to a place of understanding, peace, and even joy.

Underwater Daughter follows how Tuni grappled with her relationship with her parents, the aftermath of her rape, an eating disorder, drug and alcohol excesses, and shame as she came of age and began to build a life. In order to not lose her inner innocence, in order to protect herself, in order to believe in love, she began early on to create imaginary worlds into which she could escape—to use dreams to transport her away from her fears.

By early adulthood, she was well practiced at slapping lipstick (pink, frosty, kiss-me, gloss-over, perfect lipstick) over whatever darkness might be bubbling beneath.

Hired by a dance company right out of high school, she found success as a dancer in Chicago and New York, but in her personal and emotional life, she continued to struggle.

Ultimately, it took her decades of dancing, hiding, faking, having sex, costuming, implanting, dissociating, marrying, divorcing, and purging—all while staying silent about her past trauma—before a bike accident at age fifty-five forced her to stop and truly take stock of her life.

As she did, she came to a resting place, finally, in regard to her father; and developed the loving relationship she’d always wanted with her mother; finally understanding that, in the end, love is all anyone wants—or needs.

About the Author:

Antonia Deignan is a mother of five children by choice, a dancer by calling, and a writer by necessity. She was born on the East Coast but spent most of her life in the Midwest, where she danced with multiple dance companies and raised her children. She opened her own dance studio and directed a pre-professional dance company before a bike accident wish-boned her path, and her identity. Her work has been published in print magazines and online. Now retired, she resides in a beloved island home in Martha’s Vineyard, where she continues to be inspired and write. This is her first book. https://antoniadeignan.com

Q&A WITH ANTONIA:

Q: What would you like reader's to "walk away with" from the book?

A: I believe there are many thought provoking prompts embedded in the storyline, the obvious being the long-term consequences of sexual trauma in childhood and asking the reader to take on that specific kind of trauma is a big ask, it begs to be paid attention to. I think another takeaway for the reader could be a new awareness that most (if not all) people in one way or another have a degree of suffering or critical experiences or extreme disappointments that can be traumatic and almost insist on being readdressed or acknowledged or reckoned with at some point during their lives which can result in a new beginning, a reinvention. This may not be something that someone acts on, and I think if not, it remains in the least a subliminal or subconscious challenge, an underlying itch that resurfaces when someone may or may not expect it. By re-lensing ourselves and refocusing our perceptions away from blame or fear to compassion, we can transform suffering into self-discovery and ultimately forgiveness (forgiving oneself, forgiving the details of one’s past in order to cherish the gifts right in front of us). I think everyone can choose to unpack their childhood and rediscover the treasures there, a self that existed before the transition into self-awareness, and self-consciousness. Honoring the young soul, the open hearted non-judgmental young person is like having a Wendell Berry poem in your back pocket.  (Be joyful though you have considered all the facts… Love someone who does not deserve it… Be like the fox who makes more tracks than necessary, some in the wrong direction… Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front by Wendell Berry ) To reunite with a childlike way of seeing things is more glorious; life and beauty and faith affirming.

Q: Could you tell me a bit about the title? Underwater imagery, including the opening of the book as well as in other dreams, keeps coming up I see.

A: First, the words of the title, Underwater Daughter flow like water, they have a detectable rhythm when spoken in sequence just like the cadence of an ocean wave, which I love. As you mention, there are a lot of ocean and water metaphors within Underwater Daughter’s pages, foremost because the sea was (and is) solace not only for me, but for my parents and my siblings. While I am not certain my family would all express it in the same way, or to what level its importance played or still plays, we had years and years of time together on the beach, long hot summer days seated in front of its aquatic requiem, and certainly, what felt like centuries spent diving, riding, and swimming in its icy deep. For me, it was an escape, reward, legend, ancient memory, and divine sacrament – I would even go as far as to say, a shared ancestry, so consequently, over and over again, a reliable salvation was provided by the sea.

Q: Is there anything that surprised you in writing the book?

A: Well, the fact that I ended up publishing was initially a big surprise, because when I began to write, it was not with that intent. But I think another significant surprise is how the bell curve of discovery continues to rise during these months that have followed my finished manuscript. Each time I prepare to answer questions such as these, I find myself becoming aware of fresh insights, and cognizant of new understandings of my present behaviors. I am in awe of how the sheer act of writing brings forth new realizations, new ideas to wonder about, ponder. I didn’t realize I could become increasingly less reactive to all of it, and more appreciative of the frailty or delicate nature of how we all find our way through struggles, or challenges, or shames or fears Ease, lays right there beside those things, beauty goes hand in hand with all of it. And now I feel as though I go deeper into my loyalty toward friendships, and animals, and nature, and words, and ideas and most importantly, toward how I am choosing to live in the world. I think that goes back to your first question, which is that I hope the reader walks away from Underwater Daughter, with more questions than answers and the desire to look more deeply at how they choose to show up and live in the world.

Q: You mention, your bike accident spurred you to write this memoir. Why? What led you to feel writing would help? 

A: Prior to my bike accident, my DAILY creative outlet, my deeply personal connection to why I am alive, my connection to source of life, was manifested primarily through movement MY MOVEMENT – my interiority which connected me to the external world was fed by the ways in which I escaped into private movement. When that was fully removed from my existence, and I couldn’t forecast its return (as in when healing from previous injuries or pregnancies, my healing process was very straight forward and logical to me) writing my way through the despair of my situation felt like the only alternative to giving up. As the writing unfolded, my creative needs were being met differently and it subsequently drew out of me years of silence, years of stories I’d never told anyone and ultimately an opportunity to bring a new perspective to the challenges I experienced in my youth.

Q: As a dancer and yoga teacher, do you feel you gained any skills for writing during your career?

A: YES. Because of the quiet, solo discipline of training to be a professional dancer, I grew up deferring to my art and craft which was fused to my identity, as a way to navigate my story. I trust the lens I am looking through which translates for me onto the page. The discipline of producing words excites me, just as the discipline of training as a dancer did. And the method of bringing my interior life into my physical nature (dance/yoga) has become the same method I employ when writing.

Q: The timing of this release coincides with the continued support of the #MeToo movement. How do you feel your book speaks to other women with similar circumstances? Is part of your mission to help others?

A: Our society has thrived on misogynistic dynamics, from physical oppression and assault to discrepancies in professional opportunities, to expectations in romantic partnerships to the ways we raise and play with our children. I am one voice among the millions (#MeToo). And what my voice is saying most of all, is that each one of us, has the power to change the narrative, to speak up, to empower ourselves and empower whoever else is willing to stand up for themselves too, to own the narrative instead of scold and punish. Yes, predators should be held accountable 100 percent. But ultimately finger pointing will not change system wide prejudices, nor will it heal our wounds. Evolving the narrative through self-care, acknowledging our own worth in a way that uplifts all women is what I hope my memoir brings forward, and a trust or knowing that, yes, humans are flawed, but that WE CAN rise up beyond that. As far as helping others, I try to do that every day of my life.

Q: Can you give us a breakdown of where you’ve lived and your ties to local markets that may be most relevant to the book (Martha’s Vineyard, Indiana Chicago, etc.)

A: I grew up in the Twin Cities, MN, primarily Minneapolis. There is a wide theater and dance community there I am still known to. There has been a lot of publicity in the past regarding the pedophilic ring at the Children’s Theater. The conversation sadly is still relevant, survivors of that period have only recently settled litigation. In Chicago, my professional dance career spanned nearly two decades. I was based in Evanston IL as well as the near north side which would be Chicago proper. I have many connections there. I also raised my five children in Woodstock IL (8 years) and we were a very well-known family in that community as well as the Jewish community there. (local papers etc) When we moved to Cleveland Ohio (Chagrin Falls) we steered three of my kids seven years through the small public school. I taught dance and barre there and opened my own studio and became very active in the arts community in Cleveland with my pre-professional dance company. I had a very impactful and large presence there, choreographing for local businesses, senior communities, the Cleveland Opera, the Cleveland Ballet, and I toured my pre-professional company to New York and Atlanta. Martha’s Vineyard has been my heart home all of my life. I have a strong band of women friends there as well as island connections. And I am a homeowner. My parents are buried there. I have participated in the BLM activism community and have ties there as well. In Indianapolis, because of my accident happening right when I moved here, my ability to integrate into the community was slow. Because the injuries I sustained encompassed my whole upper body, I eventually decided to pick up the sport of tennis and have now begun to enjoy a very strong community around the tennis. There are members of the fitness community here in Indiana that know of me and would be a receptive community as well. I have also begun to garner a loyal and creative following on the Revel Platform ( all women) who join me in a writing circle/meditation format.

Q: Please list at least 3 recent titles you think are similar to yours (ideally that have published in the last few years) and provide a brief explanation about what makes them similar to yours, and what differentiates your book.

A: First, I would mention The Chronology of Water. What is similar is Lidia Yuknavitch’s unique writing style, she is a raw, uncensored complicated writer. While my skills are not to her caliber, I feel there is a thread of similar writing aesthetic and introspective desire. The Chronology is a stream of consciousness memoir. Second, I would mention Whip Smart. Melissa Febos is unafraid to showcase the more complicated (and sexual) aspects of her twenties. She reads unapologetic and fiercely honest. Third, I would mention Between Two Kingdoms by Suleika Jaouad, because of her having to adapt to physical circumstances that radically altered the path she thought she was taking. Fourth, I just read Ten Minutes Thirty Eight Seconds in this Strange World by Turkish writer Elif Shafak, which follows the story of a Turkish sex worker, her background, her path in overcoming an abusive Uncle and finding love (of self and true romantic love) There is a lot of similarity in the author’s use of dream scape and interesting coincidence of metaphors (water). Finally, the non-fiction book by Bessel Van Der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score, was a life affirming read for me, showing me, proving to me that my work as a movement practitioner, a dancing human was and continues to be the primary tool in my healing, my surviving and my thriving.

Q: What do you think makes your book unique to the market?

A: It’s viscerally authentic, it’s hopeful, it’s poetic and capable of inspiration.

Q: What 5 adjectives would you use to describe your book?

A: I guess I would repeat the answers from question 6 and adding ultimately, it’s loving. So, VISCERAL, AUTHENTIC, HOPEFUL, POETIC, INSPIRATIONAL & LOVING

Q: Oftentimes it’s useful to know how an author identifies, especially if relevant to their book, so that we can target niche media outlets (BIPOC, LGBTQ+, spiritual or religious affiliations or preferences, etc.) – if comfortable answering, how would you identify yourself?

A: HUMAN

Advance Praise:

·      “Written in rich, insightful prose, Underwater Daughter showcases hard-won self-knowledge and wisdom, while inviting readers to feel Deignan’s wounds and joys. Though bitingly descriptive of the traumas that Deignan endured, the story also movingly recounts Deignan’s rebirth…”

— Publisher’s Weekly BookLife - Editor’s Pick

·      “A must read for anyone who has ever suffered abuse at the hands of someone they love—or loved someone who has.”

—   Julie Cantrell, New York Times and USA Today bestselling author of Perennials

·      “Underwater Daughter starts with disjointed pieces of prose and poetry violently breaking across the page like smashed glass. As you compulsively turn its pages, the writing gradually becomes more lyrical and coherent, the jagged shards subtly glued together to produce a beautiful and colorful mosaic out of all the broken bits. It is a writing style that perfectly suits its underlying subject. This is the story of an abused child, running from her terrors as an adult, finally made whole through self-reflection and a searing honesty. A brave, moving, and compelling work.”

— Richard C. Morais, author of The Hundred-Foot Journey

·      “Underwater Daughter is a poem, an anthem, a polished crystal, and one of the most profound books I’ve ever read. Antonia Deignan writes of family, dysfunction, and forgiveness beyond our human experience, revealing the exquisite beauty of life in all its pain and joy. Her voice is like the wind: fierce, restorative, and new.”

— Debra Landwehr Engle, author of The Only Little Prayer You Need

·      “Antonia Deignan’s Underwater Daughter is a spellbinding memoir. At once a lyrical portrait of a young woman’s coming of age and of a mother’s coming into herself, it is a beautiful, gripping memoir of love and art, and of overcoming damage through both. Underwater Daughter is an odyssey of coming home to oneself by laying claim to one’s body and desires—as a dancer, lover, mother, teacher. Wise, moving, instructive, gorgeous.”

—   E.J. Levy, author of The Cape Doctor